Hello, my name is Mags Condell, I am sharing my story of fertility with you because if you are reading this, I have no doubt you are suffering a world of pain and I hope my story can offer you hope and guide you a little on your own journey. I had a long road with my experiences and met Siobhan as we embarked on baby number 3. How I wish we had met many years sooner, but the road we travelled has given us our family and for us it’s our story and had to happen like this.
Alan and I married in October 2012 and much to our surprise we had Jack 8 months later. I had a tough enough pregnancy suffering from Hyperemesis and then my birth didn’t go as planned, I was induced and ended up needing an emergency c section to deliver our son safely.
In June 2015 we began planning for our second baby and this journey would lead us on a heart aching path for many years. I got pregnant quite quickly, but 7 weeks and 4 days into this pregnancy my world crumbled, something I never considered happened that day as I saw the tissue paper roar at me in my toilet cubicle in work. I rushed straight to my Dublin maternity hospital and was told to go home wait it out, not all bleeding led to miscarriage and if it got worse or the pain got too bad, I was to go back. That night the pain got very bad and I sat in my bathroom and lost the most wanted baby in the world. The grief at this moment smothered me, thank God I had Jack, a reason to keep going. At
that time I always thought of other women and not having a child and how their pain must have been so intense, but I was the lucky one I had Jack.
When I felt ready we tried again, looking back I wasn’t ready at all, I was drowning in grief but caught up on my due date and determine to be pregnant again before I had to bear the pain of empty arms on that day. I was once again successful in getting pregnant, had some early scans for reassurance but on week 13 I went for mid wife book in appointment, followed by a scan, and boom my world came tumbling down. ‘There’s no heartbeat’… how can this be possible, I haven’t bled, I am nauseous, my belly feels round and full, my baby has to be there and ok, but no my little angel had left me and I had to be hospitalised for a D&C. The morning of my procedure I wanted to run away. How could I knowingly go to the hospital and let them take my baby? How will I survive this? How will I face 2 due dates and no babies? I woke up in the operating theatre to a low background of John Legend singing ‘All of Me’ as I cradled my empty tummy, broken once more. This time the hospital carried out tests and we later learned we lost a little girl, we then called her Dana and her name was entered into the book of remembrance in the Coombe chapel so every year on the 12th of April her name is there for the world to see.
At this point we stopped I couldn’t try again straight away and Alan tried to talk me into leaving it behind us and concentrating on Jack. But I couldn’t settle with this, I knew I wanted to be a mam since I was a young girl, I knew I wanted 3 children before we even walked up the aisle and I knew I had to try and fight hard to win and have another baby. We were successful again in 2016 with a dark blue line showing on a pregnancy test at this point there were no celebrations just holding tight and praying each week as the app showed me what size my baby was. The scans I had also proved my baby was growing and that we would have a successful pregnancy. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case, and by week 8 my baby had stopped growing and there was no heartbeat. This pregnancy was to end. However, I had unusually high HCG readings that compared to a healthy pregnancy so for 2 weeks we had a glimmer of hope that something could come even though our doctor was very clear that the odds were stacked against us and he told us we had more chance of winning the lottery than a successful outcome. At 10 weeks I was booked in for another D&C.
My third miscarriage cleared the way for us to have tests as we had 3 consecutive loses but after a successful pregnancy the odds of anything being wrong were slim and our results backed that up. At this stage I got really good at blocking grief, at hiding the pain and emptiness that came along with the losses because I feared I would be told to stop by my husband, my sister, my friends. I couldn’t face the reality of no more children of giving up and not giving this my all. I remember waking up from this D&C and the minute I came to I told my husband that’s it I was giving up work, I will give this my all and never regret that we didn’t try everything to have this baby. I knew I needed to change my life, look at what had been happening and how I could get myself into a better physical and mental state to carry another baby. I began to eat really healthy, cut out certain foods, started Acupuncture and begin to work on me through exploring mindfulness. I went to counselling to try explore this awful pain and somehow begin to fix myself. And I was onto something. I left my job in May, I was pregnant in June and my miracle baby Daniel was born the following March 2018.
I did it! It was behind us I had my two beautiful boys and Daniel filled such a deep hole in my heart it’s still hard to describe or put into words. The weight of the loss, the unbearable pain was over and we could go on with our lives and park our journey.
2020 - the world goes into lockdown and I’m broody and looking to complete that number 3 spot that I had always wanted and planned. I told Alan it’s now or never and we decided to try again. On the 14th of June 2020 I would be 12 weeks pregnant, a great day, on my 40th birthday we decided to announce we were going to be blessed with our 3rd baby. But no, the harsh reality of miscarriage during covid struck for the first time. I held onto my nurse to guide me through this awful nightmare while my husband waited in the car park for news of how I was doing and when I could go home. The fear, the loneliness on this occasion so so amplified, way more than any past experience I had endured. The hospital was so silent, ghost staff due to covid and due to every woman on that
ward facing their worst nightmare all alone.
It was later this year in 2020 after another twin loss that we decided enough was enough. We were so blessed with our two boys and we would end our journey to extend our family. However, this was when Siobhan came into our lives. Alan’s friend had a similar experience to us and suggested we speak to her. I remember that first meeting, knowing I was out, knowing I couldn’t take another loss but seeing her to finalise this decision for my own sake and allowing me to move on. On that day Siobhan read me like a book, knew my diet, my personality, my caring nature, my leaving zero in the tank for myself and always giving to everyone bar myself. Siobhan was so confident she could help us and guide us with her programme, I felt a sense of confidence and knew this one last attempt with Siobhan’s support and guidance could make all my dreams come true.
Through her support, self-awareness, gratitude writing, as well as Acupuncture and supplements we were ready to try in February 2021 and by no coincidence Frankie was born in November. This journey with Siobhan’s support led me on a life changing path. I now know my worth and the importance of self-care, looking after my diet and making time to be present, not allowing outside forces or work drive a wedge in the importance of family. I feel being successful in having Daniel, I had unearthed some of Siobhan’s philosophy but to understand the true extent of my being and what I needed to do to have my 3rd baby took more than I understood at that time and I needed Siobhan to guide me.
If you are reading this please don’t give up. Women are out there suffering this grief daily a grief that sometimes has the power to instil that much fear we give up, the loss and sadness suffered is so great that the fear of not having a child is sometimes easier to accept than the fear trying again.
As I lie here in bed with my baby tonight I know I gave my journey my all and won, I wish you the same courage xxx